I think last year was a blip.
A blip in my heroic story of one, one person’s perception of life.
And oh, what perception I had; the reality that spun out before me.
When one punch is pulled, it is so easy to get back up. But, the sheer amount of licks that I took with the combination of little wins just struck me dumbfounded.
Wherever I was to land was fine by me, I just wanted to feel the ground again… And, happily, I can now say that I have.
Perspective is such a fickle thing. We think we’re concrete in what we see, hear, think, and feel but, really we can be swayed by either experience or coercion. Mine was swayed by my own ability to literally kick the shit out of me.
And I did one hell of a job.
Wonderful feeling, freaking out the love of your life in your first year of marriage. (Sarcasm of course.)
I am lucky to have a man like him by my side and I am very well aware of that fact. I also know that without my ability to be proud of myself in some variation, if I do not give myself credit or let myself have an outstanding name and demand that I am deserving of something incredibly special; I could never live the life that I dream of.
And, it is so hard after a life of ” I’m surprised you’ve succeeded this far. ” Or, ” You’re never going to be able to do that. ” It is hard to hold your head high and admit that something great is truly, yours. How on Earth am I deserving when it has been made very apparent that I am different, and incompetent, and not set to amount to much of anything…
It makes my blood boil but with enough coverage and weight, anything can suffocate you.
So, I suffocated myself with all the things I’ve ignored and laughed at in the past.
-I have the feeling that I am not the only one.
What I had found is that seeing someone else in this whirlwind, made me want to break the cycle to save them too.
And, once I started looking up, I really felt higher, taller, fitter. All around more Alex-like than before!
I also feel that life throws you ropes when you’re drowning and sometimes our perspective, just like our minds, can be very distracted, and completely misses the life-boats that are there to rescue them!
Example, before I left the Uk to come home for a couple months, I planned to get back to Alexandra: full-throttle! Work out, read so many books, see all my friends, and get back to me, you know?! Yeah- No! Beasted the first week and so by just drinking so much water and lost some pounds but dove back into Talenti Gelato that I gained it *snap* right back! Haha. I did find my place with my friends which was more than a full-chested breath of fresh air. Read a few books and tons of factoid articles that I have regained healthy control of my entire state of being, makes being around people a lot easier without that seething urge to criticise myself!
One of the books I’ve read (or rather heard over audible), is something I came across while scrolling instagram. Straight up luck! Just happened to be in one of those moods that make the idea strike the right chord.
Happened to be the right thing for my clarity of mind to at least step back into the realm of me.
Whatever you’ve been through this past year- it is time to move past it and I think this next decade should just be set on progress as individuals set on being one as people. That’s utopia to me; we all kind of start out happy within ourselves and proceeds out to society.
We’re all so broken. Even enough to stay away form public places, or even public platforms like Facebook, instagram, and twitter. I think this is just the beginning of something better!
I really don’t know if any of this really makes sense but, I’m still drifting on thoughts and schemes to get me past my dark waters and past these struggles. All to find my place.