I don’t really know how to put this all into words…
Eloquently is in my past but recently it has just been monotony.
My mind berated with all this questioning of my every move, word, sound;
I’m just so sick of it.
I long for quiet, fast, and shock-like poise to rule my very manner of being.
But how do I stop all of this mounting judgement from running through me tirelessly?
I just don’t really know how to work this all out…
I guess I have always been a bit trouble minded, never thought the best of myself.
Can’t say I have ever thought terribly of anyone else either!
Except B.S. Yes those are her initials but to me she is also a very BS person..
She used to tell kids in our class that they should die and all these horrible ways too,
I don’t know what evil possessed her but I thought it wrong to take it out on kids who had nothing to do with it and could actually hep with the trauma;
I had no time for that.
Morality guided at best would describe my core.
The person who I have always been from the very beginning;
If it was to hurt someone ever, it would be to protect another.
Also why some mistakes I’ve made have laid permanent in my mind as a staple of my character never to be unclothed by my psyche as punishment for myself to bare.
At this point I would have to say that the easiest person to bully is myself and no one else.
After a few back and forth mental conversations with yourself you just have to come to a conclusion of what move is next right?
Mental damnation is never where I thought I would be!
Let alone to rot there and destroy my barely lived life!
Where is here and how to I break free from it?
I thought maybe losing weight, but that is cosmetic.
Maybe therapy in any form, but to further understand myself I would have to have some stance on something but my legs lie placid in a stance of ‘I don’t know’
Now maybe it’s my past trying to rewrite itself to make me feel better…
Or shame that I should have done better.
But in full truth, I look around everyday and see absolute glory when I see how far I have come and all that I have accomplished.
I am really proud that I set out to see the world and fall in love like I had always dreamed.
I knew my biggest hurt would always be to leave my friends and family;
but, they continue on and love me anyways.
So what is with the constant bickering in my mind?
I am too tense to move round,
I am too stubborn to just back down from the fight,
and I am too damn proud to admit that there is something wrong that I just can’t illustrate into words!
And you know,
I just really don’t know what the hell is wrong with my thought process because every external thing actually makes sense to me.
My mind is, I am what is holding me back and I can’t cope with that.
I am going to have to rewrite this again for the 4th time over or I’m just going to leave it and stew over the incoherent nature of this entire post…
I am in oblivion and I want to rejoin the living, please.
I want to rejoin the living, please.
I just want to live, please.
Just really don’t even know how to go about breaking out…