Into Space of Mind (Do You Really)

Driving along after dropping my husband off at work. I have a funny feeling that I need to get some closure on my thoughts this morning… Time for a coffee.

I was in a dark, dark place, yeah
Four feet beneath my needs and my memories
It’s kinda hard to be good, good, good enough for you
But it’s even harder to be good enough for me, yeah

On my way onward to the Mecca, Starbucks, when I notice the song slipping out of my speakers; Do You Really by Oscar Jerome and sink into the vocals immediately.

Sinking into the lyrics:

Or maybe it’s just because my ego
Has been eating up my logic since the day I was born, yeah
But this shit’s been fucking with my workflow

I feel it coming, the thoughts I had to sort out of mind. Is the happiness I need to keep with me throughout this life going to be enough?

Is my desire for comfort coming from within brought on by a dare going to last? Am I really that strong?

Had me feeling negative about the one I adore
So we’ve come a long way since long train rides
And I’ll gladly take a slice of humble pie
Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder of a lie (Oh no)
Won’t you dream it?

Has my mood swings knocked him off the path of forever? They (my emotional baggage) swayed me off the rocker, I can’t blame him any for something that I have done onto the both of us…

Now I wake up to his pain on my bedside. Question is, how do I challenge it with the smile that I’ve been taking back as my own not brought on by anything else but what life has given to me and what I put into it.

Will this be enough to change his mind about where my mind is?

You say what’s right, do what’s right
But do you really feel it?

I have told him a few times before that I was to sort it all out for us before slipping back in.

I recognise that he recognises my fall from grace but after a few falls he wonders if I really have a want to stand again… What are my two feet for if not the floor?

Say what’s right, do what’s right
But do you really feel it?

Are my words lacking the feeling that vibrates through my heart every time I utter them out? Lost in translation?

I am not the baron of bad news all the time, or am I?

His heart is at the forefront of mine, I swear it on my life.

You say what’s right, do what’s right
But do you really feel it?

How do I correct my mistakes?

I stand for all that is me, that is my mistakes, that is my misfortunes, that is my perseverance. May I show you?

My smile, let’s regain that unmistakable smile that gleams through darkest of rain cloud.

You say what’s right, do what’s right
But do you really feel it?

I love this blog but my inspiration derives from music, movies, plot lines that thicken my lifeline. Should I write more about them?

Am I a good enough writer? *exhale the stress of my mess*

Quick thought before some time for reflection
But I must never let the lens be blinded by sex

As I turn my wheels around the round about I get the feeling that I am putting myself down instead of staying above water like I need to… Snap out of it!

Press the gas forward and figure out which aspects of my life bring me happiness and while improving my own reflection of myself to myself, who am I REALLY.

But I must admit that I love the attention
If a woman wants to act dirty that’s a choice
And a choice I will respect

My sex appeal is slacking since I have no where to workout during COVID, no sense in sexy when your clothes are tighter now than my mom’s was in the 80’s.

My mind has seen better days but Ted Talks, podcasts, and reading about the phenomenon that keeps me going on is a good way to get it back on track.

My physicality will improve with the more walks, work out tapes, and Wim Hof method breathing exercises I do.

The more meaning I put into these posts the more I will get out of me.

Or maybe it’s because my ego
Has been eating up my logic since the day I was born
But this shit’s been fucking with my workflow

Ahh, I gotta push through this for him and I in a mutually beneficial way! No other way to put it.

Been self absorbed in my own shit way too long and I’m feeling my depression growing stronger… Not while I’m still kicking.

Had me feeling negative about the one I adore, yeah
So we’ve come along way since long train rides
And I’ll gladly take a slice of humble pie

He needs my smile right now so I will do whatever I need to be able to shine it out, give him a hand to hold on to.

That hand has got to help my inner too! Hold up a halt when those bad thoughts come sinking in.

Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder of a lie (Oh no)
Won’t you dream it?

Order my iced mocha cloud with white and dark mocha and an extra shot of espresso and I am on my way… To fuck it- wherever the road takes me! I want to feel the comfort of home and I want to feel it before my day really begins and challenge my fearful thoughts of being apart of the English society.

On to the highway… Could it be as easy as just doing this?

You say what’s right, do what’s right
But do you really feel it?

The cars on the highway pass by as I speed past.

This good feeling doesn’t feel situational, this is a true grip on my life. It feels like my own again.

Say what’s right, do what’s right
But do you really feel it?

I have hit some lows in my life as we all have but that lost sense creeps up and consumes you doesn’t it?

Never hit before like it did when I moved to the UK.

Thought I had never known a home- how funny.

Say what’s right, do what’s right
But do you really feel it?

Always thought I knew the secrets of life that no one else could see, I needed some education from the world around me and I still don’t have the answer but I have the course.

Say what’s right, do what’s right
But do you really feel it?

You have the power to change your circumstance, always have. Just get caught up in the all natural trap that is big emotions and big changes.

Happens to us all, aint no fault and no downfall.

Pick yourself up by the bootstraps and don’t let the taste of the pavement deter you from striving for your smile… It is a sweet surrender to render your spirits up even with heavy rain over head.

Thank you Oscar Jerome for the perspective very much needed to come out clear headed. Your casually shaken up beats and vaguely introspective lyrics were definitely the answers I needed to stumble across! Reminds me to dive into the unknown…like your other albums.

https://norwichartscentre.co.uk/event/oscar-jerome-postponed/

Thank you to all the musicians, composers, writers and dreamers for inspiring so many of us to pursue our dreams on the daily.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s