4 Healthy Habits for ANY Relationship

Daniel and I on our wedding day.
Daniel and I on our wedding day.

Since I was a little punkarelli I dreamed of my perfect guy. Recklessly cool, social butterfly with a slick wit, original, understated style, and almost too nice but with a bite! And I had viamentally searched for him until the age of 22 when I THOUGHT I had lost him.. HA!

Little did I know…

I would meet a laid back Englishman in November 2018 when I was on a weekend trip to Colorado… For medical (recreational) reasons. As I explained in that post, he was the cutest damn thing I had ever seen and I just couldn’t get him off my mind once we had departed the AirBnB! We talked for almost a year before I got fed up of the most perfect friendship and did what any girl would do faced with a guy who is knowingly interested but doesn’t dare to push because of the uncertainty (and the 4,000 mile distance). I sent him a very sexy picture before bed… You know how it goes. (;

Score!

Truthfully, apart of me still wonders how exactly I attracted him as much as I have because I am and have always been a bit of a wild child. I just knew the man I have been searching for I had found in him and I was never going to let him pass me by without giving him my absolute all! So, that is what I ultimately did! I got a better job, I got an apartment in the city I had always loved (Minneapolis), and I wrapped up all baggage to be stowed happily away! At least for a good while!

The thing was, it all came so perfectly together when he came on the scene. When we really started talking (I mean paragraphs every hour of everyday.) it was the exact right time, confidence, triumph, personal positioning, everything was over the top for the first time in years in his life and my own… The only thing we could come up with was that our love had to be right. And, it oh so definitely is!

Now here’s where it starts getting serious…

Daniel’s 26th birthday, 2020. My first time to the UK.

He came to Minnesota to see me in the December of 2019. 7 days of pure bliss and as he once said to me, the biggest party he had ever experienced! Seriously, I planned back to back to back days of meeting my friends, my family, going to all my favourite spots, restaurants, and chilling (literally) in the cool breeze of this Minnesota girls infatuation with life and her loves. Which coincidentally now included him in every single way.

I went to see him on his birthday in early 2020. I had never been outside the United States and I was quite excited to get there and see it with my Daniel. Boy, was it everything and more! He planned just as big of an event as I had without any real planning! Our biggest strong suit – shooting from the hip! An adventure of fun, friends, family, and of course, adventure!

Now, it was March of 2020 when a strange pandemic started sweeping the world in terror and fear. Just as he was scheduled to come the next month, we rushed with quite a fair push from me, for him to get over to the US before the shutdown was to commence in the UK.

Before hand we were just purely scared of being separated for however long this pandemic was going to last. Luckily, we had a full week before England went on complete and total lockdown when he arrived in MSP.

This trip was inevitably going to be different. See he had proposed to me on the last night in the UK in Ireland after a very heavy night of drinking-

This is a picture of the moment he asked me to marry him. See the drunken tears sporing?
This is a picture of the moment he asked me to marry him. See the drunken tears sporing?

So we had planned to run away and get married in vegas the only way that really spoke to us… The True Romance style. I had loved that movie since I had read up on it then happened to watch it only after meeting Daniel in 2018 (having have owned the DVD since August of 2017). I LOVED IT, everything about it was so perfect to me. The incomplete nature of both leading characters but the perfection in their connection, the tragedies that come from the consequence of their love affair, and the miles and miles they’d be willing to go through just for their own happily ever after… I bought it for him on amazon after he came over in December and it has been our movie ever since. He saw everything that I loved about that movie and saw the imminent connection that was his and my own forever being lived out right infant of our eyes.

Now, a pandemic… America soon to shut down, I had lost my job, I had lost my best friend, I had to give up my apartment because what we were about to do is make the biggest move of our lives… Throw it all to the wayside and get married so our families can be apart of the wedding and begin our lives in England.

We are now in England and have been for months. With the move have come a lot of emotions from me that I hadn’t thought of prior; such as anyone would expect! Longing for familiarity, in need of comfort more often than I would like to admit, a lack of knowledge of how life functions here, and a desperate need of purpose to substitute the hours of work he has to do to build his business and our dream.

When I don't feel quite like myself I do my makeup and take selfies in search of my face. Hoping that it will snap me back to how Alex's usually feel...
When I don’t feel quite like myself I do my makeup and take selfies in search of my face. Hoping that it will snap me back to how I would usually feel having sense of placement…

As any who has been in a serious relationship knows… Living with your partner is far different from being in separate homes. The relationship shifts and the perception of us for me was beginning to be hidden by fear and worry.

I have to give him sooooo much credit because some meltdowns I was having, I definitely would NOT have lasted through… But he is stronger than me in that area. And after all, true love doesn’t happen everyday now does it? He showed me that love and understanding I truly need.

I had then researched and reached out after the biggest mental unraveling of mine to date and found a few helpful tips to staying right in the moment with my partner. With him is much, MUCH better than a day trip with my emotional instability and mind games, I can tell you that!

1. BE CURIOUS, not critical.

I would start interrogating him as if he did something wrong even if I had no backing. Now, I wish it was jealously- it was for me just generally how he was acting towards me even right when he got home from work. Why isn’t he running right up to me? Did he even miss me? I’m not going into his arms if he isn’t excited to be in mine. I’ve been waiting all day to see him.

Some people just don’t think like that and neither do perfectly occupied and contently happy people and deep down I had known that behaviour wasn’t a true reflection of me or how I felt about him.

Had I just went right into his arms and told him how very much I missed him and explained that I had a hard time being alone for so long unoccupied, I think I would have got comforted and he would get confirmation on my love for him. Plus, he just went to say hi to his dad who he hasn’t spent half as much time as he had spent with me- so curiosity would have done us both some good there!!

2. BE CAREFUL, not crushing.

You really have no idea what words can do to one’s physical health, but if you have ever been so stressed that you can’t hold another accident befalling you- that’s what it feels to a partner who comes to you for a little relief and your mind is just been stewing in possibilities of what they have been or haven’t been doing. I am SO guilty of doing that that it actually makes me sad to think about! I worsen his day and mine! For what?! NOTHING!

Try to not be so aggressive with your partner or yourself. Both of you are just there to help one another and enjoy each other. It doesn’t have to be a struggle, it can come naturally.

You’re never alone, a relationship is for a team.

3. ASK, don’t assume.

I suppose what I said in the last point could be translated in this one as well but when you assume another’s behaviour, it reflects that your view of them has worsened and that makes them feel pushed away. And, maybe you have.. Ask why. (I was doing just that because I didn’t truly trust him to take care of me and still struggle with that today but I know how to articulate my feelings so that he can squash any fears I have.)

Worst of all, when you accuse someone of doing something that they wouldn’t do to you it puts a black cloak on their perception of you and your perception of them in your relationship. It hurts so, so badly for both parties. It just isn’t worth the heartache when you can ease up on them AND YOURSELF. Take a breath, do a Wim Hof breathing exercise (I live for them, so relieving and heightening), or just take some time to ask yourself why. Open up a notepad and start writing! What comes out? Is it really on your partner? Will it be understood by your partner in the way it is being laid out or is there an alternative that won’t take all your energy to express?

4. CONNECT, before you correct.

What I was missing from us before the big move was how in sync we were at all times. I mean finishing sentences and knowing what the other was thinking at any given minute! I LOVED it so so much! But, it is also very difficult to juggle so many things at once and not have to take some attention away from one another. This doesn’t;t mean the connection is gone by any means!

We go on our phones to unwind, we like toilet our brains settle and watch some TV, sometimes we even have to work late, or just get ready to go out with our friends! These things aren’t a crime and nor is having some self time. These all help us come back to our partner with a clear head so that there is room to connect. I feel connection goes hand in hand with understanding. That understanding goes a long way in relationships.

Their behaviour may not be favourable or helpful but make sure to just take it in openly and be accepting with their needs like you want them to be with yours.

“People go where they feel welcomed but stay where they feel valued.”

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a happily ever after!

Alexandra

These habits were explained beautifully by this power couple https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4Y5Mr8rZ9A&t=9s

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